My 12th grade daughter & boyfriend are shacking up in July. What should I do?

I been a full time dad to my daughter for 3 years. She came to live with me %26amp; my x-fiancee after her mom (my x-wife) decided to move to Chicago with her boyfriend. She was almost 15 %26amp; about to enter 10th grade. Since she was born %26amp; raised in So. Cal she didn't want to move there (my x-really didn't even ask her to). To say the least she hasn't done well after her mom pretty much "abandoned" her for a man. She was barely getting over our divorce %26amp; her anger of blaming me for it when her mom dropped that bomb on her. It didn't help matters much that my x-fiancee %26amp; her didn't get along after she moved in with us. I did the best I could %26amp; even sent her to private counseling twice a month for a year to deal with her depression %26amp; anxiety.





10th grade I sent her to all Girls Catholic school, then public school for 11th %26amp; 12th. I worked hard with her %26amp; the school to keep her on track to graduate this June, took her to all her counseling %26amp; doctor appts, and kept her happy with a used car, cell phone %26amp; clothes. Before starting 12th she finally let the anger go %26amp; said she loved me for being there for her %26amp; not abandoning her like her mom.





I thought the boyfriend she had since September was good to her. I been working on her college stuff like registration, financial aid %26amp; housing all this month when I find out from her boyfriend BY TEXT that they'd plan to move in together when she turns 18 in July %26amp; are taking care of the college details. To say the least I was floored, got really upset with him for undermining me all this time with her. She then got really upset %26amp; text'd me with pretty hurtful %26amp; hateful words. She also said she doesn't want me to help her financially if it means she can't make her own decisions.





I text'd her mom in Chicago who apparently knew of her plans before i did %26amp; didn't bother to tell me. I did everything for her %26amp; even sacrificed my own relationship of 3years to focus on her need. Her grandparents (my folks) who she's really close to don't yet %26amp; i don't know how to break it to them without hurting them.





I feel so hurt, betrayed, angry, sad %26amp; used by my daughter that I don't want to talk to her, do anything for her, or even want to attend her graduation in 2 weeks. Please help!|||Oh man, I don't even know where to begin here.





First off ... graduation. Don't skip it. It's the biggest day of a teen's life, and parents should be there. There comes a point where you can't, as a parent, set conditions like that.





So, on graduation day, set your feelings aside for just one day. You can deal with them again starting the next day. Don't skip her graduation.





Second ... her boyfriend. You didn't say much about him, but he sent you a TEXT to tell you about their plans? Tell both of them that if they want to be adults, they have to act like it.





If they want the privileges and rights of adulthood, then they also need to accept its responsibilities. They should have sat down with you, together, to tell you their plans. That's what adults do. Not hide behind a text message.





Third ... as for the plans themselves ... you didn't say how long she's been with this boyfriend. I'm guessing it isn't very long. Certainly not long enough to be "shacking up" and for her to be depending on him for college and other financial things. She should be doing that on her own, with you as her father helping her.





But you can't force it on her. A few months or a year later, when/if the real possibility of her breaking up with her boyfriend becomes a reality, then you will have some fine mess to help her clean up. But that's what good parents like you do. She'll have learned her lesson, she'll tell you how foolish she had been, and you'll help her out ... again, unconditional love and all that.





Now, if this all happens a second time, well, that's a different story ...


.|||Go to her grad. You'll regret it in years to come if you don't.


Yes they were bad to do all this behind your back but they are selfish and thoughtless, being young people. My own daughter rushed to shack up with her boyfriend right after grad, it lasted about a month. If they are "taking care" of the college details, just leave them to it. If she screws up her first year it's not the end of everything. Don't worry about hurting your parents, you did your best, she can tell them herself.|||awww.. i can relate to her- i was in the same issue w my parents when they parted ways. i was angry at everyone, had an attitude problem, and made plans to move in w my ex (then my bf)... we did move in whe ni was 18.. it didnt work....


i moved back home- realized i was wrong, and needed my parents help... now im doing great!


being a teen is hard... specially w anxiety and depression but bottom line shes going to be 18, if she isnt already.. so she can and will do what seh wants..


i think the best thing for you to do now, as a father, is to tell her- she can do as she wants its her life, but you will always be there incase she needs you or for anything... knowing she has you there will make her feel better... who knows maybe it will work? maybe it wont!


let her try the real world out for size.


shell prob be back... its hard to make it out there specially when your attending school! be patient. let her make her own mistakes, if she chooses, its a learning process!|||I say you should go to the graduation. Even though you might be mad ,she is still your daughter, and you should be there when she graduates,or she will think of you poorly. In the end you did you job as a dad. You raised her to the best of your ability. She is about to be 18. It is time for her to learn the hardships of life. You have to let her live her life. For better or worse,and please don't take it as a offense.and if she comes to you for help just help her,but you have to start living you life now.