It's pulled from the middle of the first chapter. The protagonist is a bit foul-mouthed and I know that might turn some people off. So sorry about that, but what do you think of the actual context of the writing? She's just landed in Chicago, where she lived before moving to Germany because her father was called to serve in the military there. I think that's probably all the background you need. Thanks for the help!
I try to navigate my way through the crowds as quickly as I can without shoving or pissing anyone off. I fail when I accidentally step on the toes of some frustrated Russian with his dick in a twist. I wince apologetically and scurry away from his glare before he can go all Hulk-smash on me.
I'm almost three-fourths of the way through the mob and I think I've spotted my mom's sister when I feel a hand grasp my shoulder and someone says, “Annie?”
I hate when people call me Annie. Or Bell. AnnieBee. JingleBells. That's why I made sure no one called me anything but Annabel when I moved to Germany. And no one has since I left.
I stare at the long fingers resting on my my shoulder for a few beats before deciding to turn around and face him, trying to hide the involuntary grimace that's taken command of my lips.
“Annie, it is you!” he says with his apple-green eyes wide and a pleased look on his tanned face. His dark brown hair reminds me of a young Elvis' slightly tousled pompadour. I don't know if he's got balls to wear his hair like that, or just no fashion sense.
“Don't you remember me?” he asks, still with that pleased look that implies he doesn't suspect for a second I've forgotten him at all.
“F*ck,” I say flatly after I blink a few times. “What are the odds?”
He gives me an inquisitive look for a split second before asking, “What are you doing back in the States?”
“My dad was killed,” I say with as much apathy as I can muster. “My mom and I are here so we can bury him in his hometown.”
His face falls. “Oh my God. I'm so sorry, Annie,” he puts his hand back on my arm in a comforting gesture.
“I go by Annabel now,” I say. “And it's okay. We're okay. What are you doing here?” I ask, eager to steer the conversation away from me.
“It's Christmas Holiday, so Tane and I--you remember Tane, don't you? From back in the day?” he waves his hand behind himself vaguely towards a jumble of people that I'm assuming Tane is hiding among. “We've saved up enough money to vacation in the Caribbean for two weeks. It's sort of our senior trip, too. We fly out in an hour.”
“Wow, that sounds like it will be a lot of fun,” I say. “But I should probably go meet up with my aunt and call my mom before she sh*ts a kitten.”
“Alright, then,” he grins. “Are you going back to Germany after the funeral?” he adds.
“No. My mom wants to be with our family.”
“And are you coming back to school after break for second semester?”
“No, homeschooling. If I went back to public school, I wouldn't graduate on time because of their bullsh*t requirements.”
Not to mention, there's no way in Hell I'd leave my mom alone in the house so soon after losing Dad.
“Ah. Well, then I'll look you up after I get back and we can catch up.”
“Alright,” I say unenthusiastically. “See you later, Byron,” I quickly turn on my heel and speed walk to my aunt while simultaneously dialing my mother's phone.|||The problem with your use of first person is the same problem a lot of people run into. Your sentences all start with 'I', and all have the same structure: "I do something", "I do something, and I do something else", etc. Writing in first person doesn't mean giving us a play-by-play of the character's every action and thought. You still have to give credence to setting descriptions and such, and you have to shake up your structure so that everything isn't just a punchy telling of events.
Here's how I would re-write your opening paragraph:
I try to navigate my way through the crowds as quickly as possible without shoving or pissing anyone off, and fail by accidentally stepping on the toes of some frustrated Russian with his dick in a twist. With an apologetic wince, I scurry away from his glare before he can go all Hulk-smash on me.
I took out no less than three of the word "I" (from five down to two), and improved the flow by combining two sentences and changing the structure of the last sentence. It may not be perfect, but I hope you see what I was trying to do.
Your dialogue is all pretty good. :)|||I think the swearing is a bit overmuch...it distracts from the narrative every time you use it. I'm not saying don't use it at all but limit it so you get the full effect when you feel it necessary for your character to use a word like that. I'd also suggest keeping it to dialogue...I don't know about you but I don't really curse in my own head.
There are too many analogies and references and, again, they distract from what is otherwise a good narrative. (i.e. the Hulk, Elvis, etc references.)
I think you could show the main character reacting a bit more to being called "Annie" through her insistence that the man not call her that, rather than have her take the time to explain to the reader that she doesn't like it.
Try integrating those thoughts and feelings into the section with dialogue instead...the reader wants to meet this mysterious person who just touched her shoulder, not listen to the character ramble about her name.
Just a few cents of advice on my part and you're free to take them or leave them...you seem to be a decent writer. Just keep plugging away, its what I do.
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